[my bad]

Okay, I don't know how much longer I'm going to do the whole posting my title in brackets thing. Probably til the end of the month...

With business aside, let's get down to the heart of the matter. Over the last several days, I've realized that I've done what I kinda vowed not to do: Let the events that have happened to my friend affect me and my relationship with God and with other people.

Since last week, I've fallen flat on my face into sin, hurting God and other people. I've kinda withdrawn myself emotionally, putting up a barrier between me and my friends. I've lost some of the joy and zeal that I normally have. I've let tiredness become an excuse for most things.

Lately, I've been hearing people say, "Hindsight is 20/20" and it's very true. I see the mistakes I've made this past week, and I'm going to work hard to spot when I start doing them and quit it right then and there.

Thus, If I have hung out with you over the last week and I haven't been myself or I don't seem to be giving myself fully to the company, I am deeply sorry and apologize. It's not in my nature to be withdrawn or constantly 'tired'. I hate that junk. So for that, I ask forgiveness.

I'm ready to go back to being filled with energy and joy. I like that a lot better than this sad and depressing state I've been in the last two weeks or so.

With that being said, I was watching the news tonight after American Idol on FOX and there was a segment on this Cal State Fullerton senior who has been living out of his truck for almost the last two years. My friend Emily was telling me about people she knows at USC who live out of their cars during the semester while taking care of all their hygienic needs at the university's gym. Anyway, the guy keeps a blog and it's a pretty interesting read. Already in the first half an hour of the segment getting air on FOX, he's received almost twenty comments on his blog entry for today. Check out his musings on what it's like to live in your car at www.gotruckyourself.blogspot.com. Tomorrow he's doing an interview for national television. He also was contacted by some of the press in France. Crazy.

Alrighty, not much else to say I suppose. I saw Wicked on Sunday night at the Pantages Theatre in Hollywood with my mom. It was my gift to her for Christmas. I must say, it was absolutely outstanding. The vocal performances were right on and I was just blown away by the set design. Good show.

That's it for me tonight, I'm trying to keep the posts a little cohesive. I have more to write about, but I'll save it for tomorrow. Tonight was fun. More on that later.

Cy

[beginnings]

I drop by his place tonight. He's in his room so I hang with his roommates for a bit watching V for Vendetta. He comes out, says hi to me, gives me a hug, and grabs a drink of water. As he retreats back into his room, he waves at me and says,

"Cy, I'm saying goodbye for now. I probably won't be seeing you for a while."

I get up and give him another hug.

Well, he's moving. Most likely at the end of the month. I'll be sad for a little bit, but the joy from knowing he's taking care of himself and getting better overwhelms any sorrow I can feel. I see this as a new chapter in his life and my own. A chance to end one story and begin another. I wish the best for him and hope he keeps his smile.

Sometimes clichés are great: If you love something, you'll let it go.

I love you, man. Take care of yourself. Get better.

[sigh]

2007.02.09 9:00p

I'm in the middle of Bible Talk and I get a phone call from said friend. I excuse myself from the discussion and take the call outside.

"Hey, man. What up?" I ask.

"Oh... well, a lot. Did you maybe want to get together tonight?" He asks.

I think for a moment. I really want to get together with him and let him talk about what's going on in his life. I've been pretty uneasy about it since Wednesday night. However, my friend Drew from out of town in staying the night with some of the other guys from my ministry. My hands are full. I respond,

"Um. Did you get my message I left earlier?"

"No, sorry, man. I didn't."

"Oh. Well I called to say that Drew was in town and wanted to hang with us tonight if you weren't doing anything. But I understand if you can't or don't feel up to it tonight."

He answers, "Yeah. Tell him I said what's up and sorry, but I can't."

"It's cool, dude. Hey, maybe we can get together tomorrow after choir practice?"

"For sure, bro. Yeah." I hear him say on the other end.

"Okay. I'll call you after practice is done at 11 tomorrow. Cool?" I say.

"Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow then."

"Alright, buddy. Love you, man. I mean it."

"Thanks, Cy. Love you too."

We hang up.

==

Fast forward: 2007.02.10 2:00p

My phone rings.

I answer. "Hey, bud."

"Hey, Cy."

"Still have time to get together today?"

"Yeah, but I'm going to head down below at 3p. So maybe when I get back if I get back at a decent hour?"

Any hour would be okay. I'd stay up to listen to him and hear him out. "Of course, dude. Just give me a call when you head back into town."

"Alright. I talk to you later."

"Later, man. Love you. Drive safe." I respond.

"Thanks. Love you too."

We hang up.

==

The more I think about what is going on and the more I listen to his voice over the phone, the more my heart is restless and utterly breaks at whatever pain or trial this guy is going through. I'm almost on the brink of tears when I can't recognize the joy and excitement for life that is normally conveyed through his voice. Really, all I can do is pray for him and hope that things will work itself out.

Whatever it is, it won't ever keep me from loving him. He's my brother. Seriously.

[last night]

I had a talk with Luke, asking him about another friend of ours and how he is doing. He tells me, "Not good." I figured as much. I've been calling him and he hasn't returned my calls. He didn't show up to church on Wednesday night and he missed the Men's group. It's not something he would usually do, so naturally, I worry. Maybe worry is the wrong word. I'm concerned.

What concerns me most is that Luke says to me, "He's made a mistake and unfortunately, he is paying for it now." Several ideas pop into mind, but I don't want to speculate. I love this guy. He's pretty much the older brother I've never had. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but what Luke says to me is troubling. I resolve to pray for this guy and hope that God works out the best.

I absolutely dislike being in the dark on issues that deal with people close to my heart. I want to know what's going on, but I trust that the proper people do know and when this brother is ready, he'll call me up and tell me what's going on in his life. Luke reaffirms me saying, "All will soon be revealed." He shares that what's going on with our friend won't stay hidden for long; that I will soon know what is happening and that I will be hurt by it, but that I will be able to cope with it and still love him.

Now that scares me. What is going on? As I start my day, I can only push wandering thoughts of endless possibilities aside and trust that God is doing what God needs to do and that man will always have sin and that's just the facts of life.

Amen.