ARRGGHH

Why the heck am I like this? Why do I do the things I don't want to do?? I know I'm a sinful being. I know it's our nature to act like this, but why the heck cant i change!? Am I doomed to a life full of the same sickening routine? Up mountains, down in the pits and back up again?? I hate myself. I hate the person that I am. I hate how I can't simply say no. Why I'm not strong enough to stand firm. Why I can't just be a good Christian!!

My life feels like its crashing. People close to me are turning into betrayers and people I can't trust. I have no love in my heart. I have no sense of self-worth in my being.

Yeah I know, you might be thinking "Wow, this is not like Cy... or man, what's going on here."

Let me tell you guys something. I've got secrets. I've got some pretty sickening darkness within myself. Yeah, I've told people... yeah my desire is to change, but what the heck! I keep screwing it up. I screw up relationships. I'm screwing up my life! It's in times like this that I need God the most, but I am way too prideful to admit to that right away.

Guys, this is a really dark period in my life right now... It's not like it's been this way since I've been in the Philippines, but a recent confrontation has brought out the demons within me again. I need to rely on God's strength to get out of this. To ask for forgiveness, bask in his grace, and move on with being a loving disciple.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH CONFLICT IN LIFE?? WHY DO WE HURT SO MUCH? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAIN! WHY DO THE PEOPLE WE TRUST DISAPPOINT US IN THE HARDEST WAYS!

It's because it helps us to see God more, right? That's the stock Christian answer. But dang. It's a lot easier said than done when you're in the heat of the battle. Have I given up? Definitely not. I haven't even begun to fight.

Sorry everyone for the unique tone of this post. It's what I'm feeling in my heart right now that NEEDS to be let out.

Last night, I cried in my room for 30 freakin minutes. Ashamed of myself. Ashamed of someone close to me. Ashamed of my situation. Ashamed of my weakness and my stupidity.

I need to make my body my slave. I need to get this thing under control. For God. For myself. For my family. For my friends. I'm hurting people I love and that is not my intention.

Thoughts are just coming off the top of my head right now. I'm anticipating in the near future some bad things. Bad things are happening, but I don't know if they'll turn out for the best or not. Things I'm used to. The life i knew is about to be turned upside down. It's going to be entirely different. And because of that, I am scared to death

I guess I have to trust in God. Have faith in him. But wow, it's hard. It is so hard.

I need to change. I need to repent... I want to. I have to. It's the right thing to do. How can I continue living in a life of lies and unhappiness? I can't. Not anymore. NOT ANYMORE! Something must be done.

The battle has begun.

Pray for me.
Cy

by the way. I'm a fake.