Thinking...

So it's definitely been a while since I've blogged. I've had a lot of time this summer to consider where I am in life and the things that are important to me. Recently, I changed the "About Me" section on my Facebook. I think it describes a little bit about what's been going on with me lately.

"I figured I'd rewrite this since life is ever-changing...

I'm still a Christian and still love God, no change there. I'm finding my life to be one continual roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. I think and wonder about how odd, yet strangely beautiful and ugly at the same time life is. It's short, but at times it's quite long.

I stretch the limits, I push the boundaries, I strive for above-average. I get tired of monotony and upset at mediocrity. I hate apathy and the word, "whatever". I lean towards those who are decisive and forthright. I don't like to make decisions for other people. I do however give out advice.

I'm sometimes loud and sometimes soft-spoken. I tend to take leadership when no one else will. I work well in groups. The way to destroy my spirit is to leave me in a room by myself for the rest of my life. My purpose and calling in life is to help others. Forget monetary success and hording material possessions, the impact you make in other people brings more happiness than anything else you can acquire.

I love to sing. I love to act. I would love to do both at the same time. Honestly, sometimes my life is like a song, other times it's an act. I hate to disappoint, and unfortunately for me, a temptation is to be something I'm not. I don't cope well with failure, but it's not hard to admit my faults. I like to be liked and I search for acceptance from my peers. I am a social butterfly.

I'm polite and kind. I don't have walls or barriers. I let people into my heart if they're willing to go there. However, I do have a hard time giving it back to people who step on it or break it. I long for someone to truly love, in a hopeless romantic sort of way. I love people. I love their strengths, but I also accept their weaknesses. Who are we without them?

I realize now that life is what you make of it. I understand that life is monumentally short in comparison to the vast expanse of eternity. I accept that because of that, I must make it my goal to enrich the lives of others. I admire the fact the only thing I can leave behind is my memory and what people thought of me. I fight to be positive and uplifting because I don't want to be remembered as a downer or someone who sat around while the world passed him by.

I live."


I've been trying to reconsider and debate in my mind the things that are most important to me. I'm not sure what those things are. I suppose family and friends are somewhere close to the top of that list. I think making an impact in the lives of others is up there. Being the best I can be is somewhere on that list. It's just interesting to think about how far we've come as people. We're no longer kids. We have to make decisions and we have to follow through on them.

I think I know what I want in the short term. I want to get accepted to USC. I want to move out of my parents' house. I want to find a girl I like and date her. I want to make new friends. I want to keep old ones. I want to travel. I want to stay busy. I want to make others happy. I want to be happy.

This summer is so jam packed with things to do and I'm loving every minute of it. I like how I'm going to be in San Francisco this weekend for a wedding, return on Sunday and leave three days later on the 4th for Boston. I like that after I return from Boston on Monday, the 9th, I have a week at home before I leave for Washington, D.C. for HOBY. I like the friends I have in this organization. I think the reason I want to travel so much is that I just want to be out of the house. I'm honestly ready to move on and start my own life away from the influence of my parents and the umbrella they have over me. I appreciate it and I'm grateful for it, but I'm over it. It's time for me to venture out and find things out for myself and start on the path to the life I'm supposed to live that is supposed to be my life, and not my parents' life for me.

Anyway, I'm just babbling on and on now. I figured I'd write a little bit, because it's been awhile. Hope you enjoyed it.

Go Hokies.

Today was an absolutely terrible day for the students of Virginia Tech and the residents of Blacksburg, Virginia. A total of 33 people died in today's shootings. Any search on YouTube will get you a video of student interviews and testimonies. The gunman was a man in his mid-20s, asian, and not a student of the University.

What makes someone do something like this? What pushes someone to the edge to the point they would go and massacre entire classrooms, killing random young adults? When I heard about this on the news this morning I was shocked and instantly tearful. Watching images of policemen carrying people out of the school, stains of blood on the floor; listening to sounds of gunshots and people screaming... it's horrifying. You would never think that something like that could happen at your campus, but it can. This could happen in any public place other than a school; a shopping center, a park, a busy street. Some people are completely irrational and throw all and any sort of logic out of the window to act entirely on emotion and out of passion. It's disgusting.

What disturbs me further is the fact that the school didn't even send out notices to the students that there was a shooter on the campus until two hours after the first shooting occurred at one of the dorms, where two people were killed. By that time, the killer had already made his way across campus to kill 30 more people. Why wasn't the school evacuated earlier? It's absolutely deplorable that it's entirely possible that 30 lives could've been saved if action was taken sooner. When asked about their decision to keep the first shooting under wraps, they said that they believed it was an isolated incident. The man came, did his business, and most likely left the campus. There would be no reason to cancel classes for the rest of the day.

Excuse me, "MOST LIKELY" are not two words I'd like to hear when concerning my safety or even my life.

"Yes, this plane will most likely stay in the air and make it to the Philippines."
"You most likely do not have cancer."
...

You get the idea. In my opinion, this was a very bad and fatal decision on the part of the school administration.

Besides the ranting, the fact of the matter is that 33 people lost their lives today and that's sad. I took a day off work just to pray and meditate over what happened this morning. It's impossible to predict or change what will happen in life, so you just have to roll with the punches and be grateful for things you have. I say "Go Hokies" in my title, because they need our support more than ever.

It's actually quite amazing how fast someone's life can be taken from them. Life is so precious and fragile. We're not a very durable species; at least not physically. Our organs aren't protected by a hard outer covering, our bones will become brittle and our joints will creak. Thankfully, we have logic to keep our wits about us to keep us from killing ourselves off. (Caveat: The Darwin Awards) So why do we murder each other? Is this particularly necessary? We're easily breakable enough as it is. We don't need people to go around doing that for us. Being a Christian, it's understandable that in the Old Testament, God's people were often in war and battle. However, when was the last time God spoke to you to lead people to kill others and take the promised land?

Anyway... I'm sick of murder and violence. I'm tired of all that crap. Have some sanctity and respect for human life. Get over your selfish and disposed self and learn another freaking point of view. What gives one man a right to cease the life of another human being? Ugh... this makes me sick and miserable.

Oh well, there's no use in ranting except to let off some steam. My heart and prayers go out to all of you who attend VT and the families and friends of those affected by today's tragedy.

RESPECT LIFE.
Cy

[my bad]

Okay, I don't know how much longer I'm going to do the whole posting my title in brackets thing. Probably til the end of the month...

With business aside, let's get down to the heart of the matter. Over the last several days, I've realized that I've done what I kinda vowed not to do: Let the events that have happened to my friend affect me and my relationship with God and with other people.

Since last week, I've fallen flat on my face into sin, hurting God and other people. I've kinda withdrawn myself emotionally, putting up a barrier between me and my friends. I've lost some of the joy and zeal that I normally have. I've let tiredness become an excuse for most things.

Lately, I've been hearing people say, "Hindsight is 20/20" and it's very true. I see the mistakes I've made this past week, and I'm going to work hard to spot when I start doing them and quit it right then and there.

Thus, If I have hung out with you over the last week and I haven't been myself or I don't seem to be giving myself fully to the company, I am deeply sorry and apologize. It's not in my nature to be withdrawn or constantly 'tired'. I hate that junk. So for that, I ask forgiveness.

I'm ready to go back to being filled with energy and joy. I like that a lot better than this sad and depressing state I've been in the last two weeks or so.

With that being said, I was watching the news tonight after American Idol on FOX and there was a segment on this Cal State Fullerton senior who has been living out of his truck for almost the last two years. My friend Emily was telling me about people she knows at USC who live out of their cars during the semester while taking care of all their hygienic needs at the university's gym. Anyway, the guy keeps a blog and it's a pretty interesting read. Already in the first half an hour of the segment getting air on FOX, he's received almost twenty comments on his blog entry for today. Check out his musings on what it's like to live in your car at www.gotruckyourself.blogspot.com. Tomorrow he's doing an interview for national television. He also was contacted by some of the press in France. Crazy.

Alrighty, not much else to say I suppose. I saw Wicked on Sunday night at the Pantages Theatre in Hollywood with my mom. It was my gift to her for Christmas. I must say, it was absolutely outstanding. The vocal performances were right on and I was just blown away by the set design. Good show.

That's it for me tonight, I'm trying to keep the posts a little cohesive. I have more to write about, but I'll save it for tomorrow. Tonight was fun. More on that later.

Cy

[changes]

Life teaches you that not all things are secure. You can't always be 100% certain of what is right in front of you.

People change. Situations change. Lives change.

Granted, some things are certain for everyone. For me, my faith is certain. God is certain. Really. Does anything matter in this life? In this world that we live on? Apart from following the Lord and his commands, I don't think so.

My friend is going to be facing some hard times up ahead. His future is only as uncertain as he allows it to be. If he learns from this mistake and puts God first, I think he'll come out of it okay. Possibly even stronger and more secure.

I hope and pray that he doesn't use this as a crutch to fall deeper into sin and despair. I pray that he continues to seek guidance and help in his life. I pray that he places his value solely on God and not the things of this earth that are perishing. I hope that he comes out of this trial victorious and ready to do whatever for the Kingdom.

If he does these things, then I know he'll be taken care of. Sadly to say, if he does these things, I'll be seeing much less of him. Honestly, I want what's best for him. I still love him and he will always be my big bro.

For new life, there must be sacrifice. For him, the sacrifice is living in close proximity to us. I understand that him moving away is part of this sort of repentance that must take place in order for him to live once again for the Lord and not for himself. Yes, I'll be sad by his departure and will miss seeing him week after week, but if it is what is necessary for both of us to live in eternity with our Heavenly Father, then I am all for it. "Not my will, but yours be done." Right?

He will be third of those who have 'left'. My closest friend and mentor during my early teen years Scott moved away to Sacramento in the summer of 2003. That same month, my own father decided to leave God and the Church and live a completely capitalistic life, seeking after things so temporary and worthless. Both were a huge hit to me that year. I used those two 'leaving' as an excuse to hate and doubt God. An excuse to fall deep into sin, taking me to a place I never dreamed I'd be. I'm still healing from the things I've done and making reparations to the people I've hurt.

This time around, I've learned my lesson. I cannot use this as an excuse for failure. I cannot use this as a reason to be ineffective, lukewarm, and selfish. Rather, I must use this as motivation to fight harder because the spiritual battle that this life truly is has become even more real to me. Satan has brutally attacked someone so close and dear to my life, that I have to fight back. I have to resolute to do God's purposes for me in this life as vengeance for those lost in the battle.

I hope my comrade picks himself up and rejoins us on the frontlines sooner than later.

I'm thankful that through giving myself wholeheartedly to ministry work, that I'm learning more discernment and obtaining 'greater wisdom' (with it, I wouldn't do it. (inside joke)). Seriously though, God has been teaching me a lot. I've become much more spiritual focused and it's been a huge blessing to me. Because I'm devoting my time, energy, and efforts into other people and into the ministry, I have not had a lot of time nor opportunity for sin and all the guilt, shame, pain, and hurt that comes with it.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

Bro, I believe in you and love you. I know you'll bounce back from this even more capable and ready for the calling we've been given. Use this as an experience you've gone through to help those you encounter in the future who have a problem dealing with the same thing. To be cliche, this is your curse and your blessing. I encourage you to take the advice of those leaders that you have talked to. If that involves moving away from the Antelope Valley, I understand and am supportive of it. I hope you do this for you and for God and for no one else. Remember that I'll always be there for you and will always listen to you and hear you out. I am sorry that I couldn't have been a better help to you to keep you away from doing what you did. Unfortunately, it happened. Yes, God does and has forgiven us of our sins, but we do have to deal with the very real earthly consequences that comes with some of those sins. I believe that if you don't let this get to you and if you don't use this as a crutch, God will continue to use you for his glory. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Ps. 37:4) Continue to seek him out, man. We can never stop searching for Christ. I love you and believe that in God, you can still do amazing things. Take care of your relationship with Him and everything will follow. You're still the bomb.com.

[untitled 2]

God, you are so real to me. So real.

My eyes are red. My face streaming with tears. My bottom lip quivering. In darkness, I sit in my car in the middle of the desert, engine running, radio off. I look up at the stars. They're beautiful.

I've been driving around west of town, looking for a secluded place to just throw open the floodgates of emotion that I've been holding on to since talking with him in the crowded restaurant. I am alone, but feel comforted. Scared, but secured. Hurt, but mended.

My forehead rests on the steering wheel as I utterly just weep. I'm at a loss for words. All I can do is cry. I think about what my friend just told me at Denny's. I can believe it. It just hurts. It hurts a whole heck of a lot. I think to myself, this isn't about me. But in a lot of ways, it is.

He tells me the wrong he has done; the hurt he has caused; the sin that pierces his soul. My heart breaks in front of him and I try to hold my composure. I can see the fear in his tired eyes. He's been up for quite a while. They're moist and red. He's been crying a lot today. I'm devastated to see someone so full of life like this. But we all have our downs.

I tell him with tears that there is absolutely nothing that he can do that will make me love him less. I tell him that he is my brother, always will be. I accept him fully for who he is, faults and all. I continue on as he lays his head down in his hands and convulses with tears. I put my hand on his and tell him,

"I'm here for you. I always will be. Never doubt that."

We look at each other with wet eyes. I share an experience in my life that I can relate to him with and tell him that it's not the end of the world. God loves to use broken sinners like us. The difference between him and I is that he got open with it quickly, whereas I let this sin infect and wound my soul while I kept it hidden for years. It only got worse until I hit rock bottom. That's when I had to be honest with myself, God, and some close spiritual friends who would let down the rope and pull me up out of the well.

He thanks me for my friendship and love, but says he doesn't deserve it. I reflect on the things I've done in my past and how I've hurt those I love as well.

"Bro, I don't deserve it anymore than you do either. But that's what's so great about God."

He nods in agreement. I'm glad it's not as bad as I thought it would be. All throughout the day, multiple things ran through my mind. The worst of which was that I thought that he would be moving away somewhere and that I most likely would never see him again. That thought killed me. Hopefully, this isn't the case.

He tells me, "Cy, I still want to be faithful. I still love God. I care about God. I care about discipleship," he starts to break into tears, "I care about you; about the ministry..." he goes on and my heart is reassured that he'll come out of this victorious and ever more faithful and sure of his promises in the Lord.

We both say our peace and I let him leave to go home and do what he needs to do. I pick up the bill for our two coffees and head out. Once in the car, I explode into hysterics. It's almost uncontrollable. I feel I need to drive away somewhere far, organize my thoughts, and pray.

I find a good place to pull over and just stop everything. I sit for a while in silence. Just thinking. Just wondering.

As I go through the multitude of feelings and thoughts in my mind, I experience sensations of pain, where I cry so hard and so loud, and sensations of joy, where I rejoice because I know it's not all in vain.

This hits me so hard because it's about the people I care for the most in this life. I confess to God that getting an awesome education, landing a high-paying job, and any other material thing I can gather for myself is worth absolutely nothing to me. What I care about is my family and what I can do to help them and make them happy. So this hurts. It hurts because I feel powerless to fix what he's going through, but at the same time, I am at ease because I know that God works for the good of those who love him and luckily for this guy, he still loves God.

I continue to pray for the ministry and the people involved in it. I pray for the mission that we have on this earth. I pray for the leaders of the church and that they'll be wise in the decisions they make. I pray that I would be completely empty of myself and filled with His spirit because the 'Cy' I know really sucks and can't do much, but if God is for me, who can be against me?

I drive off after a while of thinking and praying and sing a couple songs out loud to God. I sing about God letting his blessings and promises rain down on his people. That he would open up the floodgates of Heaven and bring consistency, sovereignty, righteousness and mercy to his people. I sing another song about being absolutely nothing, but everything to God. About how he commands us to come to Him, stand in silence and be overwhelmed by who He is. All of it. About how that silence is broken by my weeping over my own wretchedness. How Christ's redemptive blood covers my entirety and my shame. How God's powerful and booming voice shakes the Heavens with his words, yet also whispers my name. How Christ catches my tears and wipes them from my face with his hands scarred by the nails of the cross. How I am just so overwhelmed by everything God is and everything I am not.

I think about how relevant those songs are. As I drive home in song, I shed tears of happiness because of life. All I can say to my creator is, God, you are so real to me. So real. I see that tonight more than ever.

I look up at the stars in wonder of the Lord. They're still beautiful.

[sigh]

2007.02.09 9:00p

I'm in the middle of Bible Talk and I get a phone call from said friend. I excuse myself from the discussion and take the call outside.

"Hey, man. What up?" I ask.

"Oh... well, a lot. Did you maybe want to get together tonight?" He asks.

I think for a moment. I really want to get together with him and let him talk about what's going on in his life. I've been pretty uneasy about it since Wednesday night. However, my friend Drew from out of town in staying the night with some of the other guys from my ministry. My hands are full. I respond,

"Um. Did you get my message I left earlier?"

"No, sorry, man. I didn't."

"Oh. Well I called to say that Drew was in town and wanted to hang with us tonight if you weren't doing anything. But I understand if you can't or don't feel up to it tonight."

He answers, "Yeah. Tell him I said what's up and sorry, but I can't."

"It's cool, dude. Hey, maybe we can get together tomorrow after choir practice?"

"For sure, bro. Yeah." I hear him say on the other end.

"Okay. I'll call you after practice is done at 11 tomorrow. Cool?" I say.

"Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow then."

"Alright, buddy. Love you, man. I mean it."

"Thanks, Cy. Love you too."

We hang up.

==

Fast forward: 2007.02.10 2:00p

My phone rings.

I answer. "Hey, bud."

"Hey, Cy."

"Still have time to get together today?"

"Yeah, but I'm going to head down below at 3p. So maybe when I get back if I get back at a decent hour?"

Any hour would be okay. I'd stay up to listen to him and hear him out. "Of course, dude. Just give me a call when you head back into town."

"Alright. I talk to you later."

"Later, man. Love you. Drive safe." I respond.

"Thanks. Love you too."

We hang up.

==

The more I think about what is going on and the more I listen to his voice over the phone, the more my heart is restless and utterly breaks at whatever pain or trial this guy is going through. I'm almost on the brink of tears when I can't recognize the joy and excitement for life that is normally conveyed through his voice. Really, all I can do is pray for him and hope that things will work itself out.

Whatever it is, it won't ever keep me from loving him. He's my brother. Seriously.

Restless at 1:27am.

As I sit here, enjoying the wonderful flavors of my Jack-in-the-Box faux-taco, I'm thinking. Every once in a while, I think out loud here on my blog in totally abstract, vague, and nonsensical blabber. It's quite a treat if you get to read them. They're normally somewhat depressing yet with a dash of hope in them. I suppose tonight wouldn't be any different.

I mean here I am with a post title that is already dark in itself. 'Restless' signifying that I can't sleep and that obviously something is troubling me. Also, being 1:30 in the morning means that tomorrow's not going to be all that great at work.

So let's get to the heart of the matter. This week I've been deep in thought. I guess the new year always does this to me. It's a time to re-evaluate what's important in life and what takes precedent.

Last year what was important to me was so clear, yet I didn't do all too much to show it or really give it the significance that I claimed to put on it. My actions certainly proved otherwise. Such is life, maybe?

It seems every quarter of the year, the same progression takes over. At the first part of the quarter, you're really on track with life. Things are going right, but as you near the end of it, you're down in the pits and things are just wrong. Then something significant happens in life that sets you straight and puts you where you should be. You shoot back up and you're a-ok again. Then same thing... a couple weeks later, you've lost your way once more. The law of undulation is what they call it. Can we ever just keep getting better? Or at least just plateau for a while? Because the whole crashing and burning thing is really getting old every several months.

Here's the thing. I know the goals I have in life. I know what the end picture is... at least what I want it to look like. Yet it seems that I voluntarily choose every possible avenue to screw it up. It's like for a temporary moment (sometimes, not all that temporary), I put that picture down, or I blur my vision of it and I get caught up with the here and now. Granted, people say to live in the moment and to live as each if day was your last, but there is still something to be said about goals and dreams.

It's weird. Do you ever feel like you live in spite of your own self? That's what it seems I do to myself sometimes. They say you are your own worse enemy and looking back at my life in retrospect, that saying rings with so much truth.

If you guys couldn't tell, I'm in my 'downs' right now. When did life get so complicated? When did failure and disappointment become something so tangible? Sure there are several hidden gems of pure joy here and there, but the overall state of things seems to overshadow that.

I had a great talk with one of my best friends tonight and I think that is what has made me restless tonight. Being forced to bring what's been troubling me to the forefront of my mind, rather than compartmentalize it and let it fester, seems to be just what I needed.

And there was the little pinch of hope in an overall sad post.

I'm hoping the 'ups' come along soon.

Cy