Okay... so I think I was just getting really bored here. By here, I mean at Blogger. So I moved my blog over to WordPress which I think is a heck of a lot more functional... and pretty too...
So go check that out and update your bookmarks (yeah right)!
http://www.insidecy.wordpress.com
I'll keep this one up just to look at every now and again, but new posts will show up on the WP blog.
Ciao!
So guess what happened today... and I'll admit it.
I cried.
Tonight I was pretty emotionally distraught. Let me explain.
Today was just a series of events that lead to the floodgates being opened. For the most part, the day was great. I worked, had class, a teacher bought me lunch, and did a presentation. It was when 5pm rolled around that things started to really happen. And it wasn't even all that major, but I think combined with just the stress of trying to balance all these things I'm doing in my life right now, was the hair that broke the camel's back.
Tomorrow, Troy Phi's Dance Troupe, a group I'm in, is performing in front of Tommy Trojan. We're doing several cultural dances. At first, I thought I was only doing Sakuting, a dance with sticks that represents a battle. Come Sunday, however, I found out that I was also supposed to do Tinikling, a dance I had learned but never really got down, and Singkil, a dance I had never even learned.
Tonight we had a 2 hour practice in front of Heritage Hall to get ready for tomorrow. I had made arrangements to get there an hour earlier to practice Tinikling, but I was asked to help transport the props which took about half an hour. Then I had to find parking, so by the time I got to Heritage to practice, I was 15 minutes late.
I really needed practice on Tinikling, so that's what I worked on first. I was having a really hard time doing it with the clicking and was screwing up my partner. Now, I'm somewhat a perfectionist, so I was getting VERY frustrated with myself. In addition to that, I'm a people pleaser. I have this thing where I have to make everyone happy, so I'm very sad when I disappoint people. I'm learning to not be at this extreme, but to have some sort of balance.
In addition to all this practice and stress of trying to get Tinikling down and learning the new dance, I had dinner plans with a friend at 7pm. Originally, I was supposed to have breakfast with him on Saturday, but I double booked him on top of the 2007 Friendship Games, an event that Troy Phi was competing in at Cal State Fullerton. So I rescheduled for tonight at 7. I really needed the practice though, so I called him again tonight to move it to 8. I didn't get done learning Singkil until 7:50. I realized then what time it was and left to meet my friend in Pasadena (a good 30 minutes away) for dinner. He called me up wondering where I was and I told him I was just leaving campus, so he knew it would be about 8:35 until I got there. I felt terrible.
On the way over, I got lost finding the freeway, and when I did find it, a truck in front of me blocked my view of the freeway signs, so I missed an exit and ended up going south on the freeway instead of north. It was there that I lost it and just started crying. I was so emotionally and physically drained at this point that I just couldn't keep it in.
I called up a couple friends and my mom to just vent and they gave me comfort. They also advised me that I should probably cut back on some stuff. I think after this Sunday, I'll really have to do that. It's just starting to be way too much.
Luckily, my friend was very understanding and we had some great food! I'm just really trying to figure out the best way to manage my time and use it effectively to accomplish the things I want and to also have a good time while I'm here. *sigh*... it's tough sometimes.
Cy
So here it is, a blog entry.
The last couple months have been quite eventful for me. Let me give you a rundown of all that's been happening in my life.
I. Accepted!
If you don't know already, I'm currently a student at USC. I should mention that this is the real USC, not the university with that ridiculous mascot, the Gamecock.
The process of getting accepted to USC was a really difficult one for me. I didn't know that I wanted to go to USC until mid-way through the Fall of 2006 while at Antelope Valley College. When it came time around for advising for the Spring semester, I was ready to take all the classes necessary to get as much of the pre-reqs and transferable GEs that I possibly could out of the way. That made for a very difficult Spring semester at AVC. All the classes I took that semester were intensely academic. I was striving very hard to get solid A's in all my classes that way I would be a shoe-in to 'SC. Unfortunately, I walked away with 3 B's that semester and that put some doubt into my mind whether or not I would get in.
I sent in my application to transfer to USC on June 1st and thus began the waiting game. I was told that I would receiver my answer by the end of June and as the weeks passed, I grew more and more anxious. Come to the end of June, I was almost depressed because I had not yet heard any word at all. It wasn't until the third week in July when I found out I would be starting school at USC in August.
I was in Washington D.C. for HOBY when I found out from my cousin that I got accepted to the University of Southern California. It was crazy. I was with the team of students that I was leading for the conference when I got that phone call. My cousin started reading the letter to me, "Dear Cyril, we are pleased to tell you --" and that's where I cut him off with a very enthusiastic, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!" I was out of my seat and jumping up and down. Everyone in the room new what was going on and they were excited to celebrate with me. It was awesome to share that moment with them.
II. Movin' Out
Fast forward to mid-August. I have moved out of my parents' house in Lancaster, California and have accepted my new role in life as a college student in the big city of Los Angeles. So far it's been really great. My roommates aren't that bad, though I've had to really learn how to adjust to this new environment.
I guess I can elaborate on the roommate situation. I current reside in this really fancy apartment complex called Tuscany. It's really nice, but when I first moved in, my apartment was in shambles. Apparently the guys who resided in the unit the year before were quite the partiers. The entire balcony of our apartment was filled with empty beer bottles and cans. Also, half the guys who were moving out left their stuff in the apartment over the summer and it took a long time for them to get it out of the apartment. Meanwhile, the new roommates were moving in their stuff as well, so at one time we had like a total of 11 guys' stuff in an apartment meant to house 8.
Oh yeah, about that. I live in a 4 bedroom/4 bath double, meaning we have 2 guys to each room. There's eight of us total. Crazy, eh? So as you can imagine, with eight dudes, the apartment seems to stay in a continual state of disarray. I really had a problem with this for the first couple weeks. I was always cleaning up after people, cleaning the fridge, vacuuming, trying to rearrange furniture (there were two long table in the middle of the living room just for beer pong). I've loosened up a bit now.
I really never knew that I was a neat-freak or that clean of a person until I moved out on my own. I think I always just had my mom to take care of messes, so it never really occurred to me that I prefered things to be neat and in order. I'm over it now, although the ever-increasing pile of dishes in the sink still bothers me at times. Sometimes it starts to smell pretty bad.
Apart from all that, being away from the Antelope Valley has been incredible. I'm so glad I'm out of the desert. Don't get me wrong, I love the place and was glad to have grown up there, but it's good to be out. Also, I think it was time that I moved out from under my parents' roof. It was definitely time for a change. It was a little rough though the first weeks of school because my mom would literally call me every day. I felt really bad because I knew she really missed me. I could actually picture her crying because of my absence and that made me really sad. She's okay now. We do still talk at least once a week, but I think she's gotten used to having me out of the house now.
I'm just really excited to have started this new chapter in my life.
III. "I'm not the smartest kid anymore!"
Okay, don't get the wrong idea from the title. I was never the smartest kid in High School or anything like that, but I was always able to stay on top of my studies and do fairly well. I excelled in group projects and could always contribute to a discussion. I was always told from an early age that I was very smart and even wise. Going to AVC really helped reinforce all of this. Most of my classmates at that community college were really not the student type and were just there to please their parents.
Coming to USC, I was taken back a little bit because I felt like everyone was really smart, really talented, really funny, really nice, really outgoing, really friendly, and really really good looking. Haha. For a little bit, I felt very intimidated because I felt that most of the people I was meeting were "more of something" than I was. I think I've learned not to compare myself to others in this way, but to see that everyone has their different strengths and stuff.
Besides the students, the classes have been pretty tough! Currently I'm taking BUAD307 - Fundamentals of Marketing, BUAD250A - Core Concepts of Accounting I, MATH218 - Probability for Business, LING275 - Language and Mind (GE), and EDCO30 - a peer counseling class to be an RA next year... It's all been pretty challenging. It seems like I'm in a continual state of midterms. All of my classes except EDCO30, have two midterms and a final, but all the midterms are positioned in a way that I have one almost every week. It's crazy.
I definitely feel challenged, though, and that's a really cool thing.
IV. Cy, the Social Butterfly.
So if you know me well, you know I'm the type of person to commit to a whole bunch of stuff, join a bunch of organizations, and make a bunch of new acquaintances and friends. Well, I've stayed true to that, and I've really immersed myself into the whole college experience here at USC.
I've joined Troy Philippines, the Filipino organization here at USC. It's been so awesome to meet so many other Filipinos my age. Growing up, I never had any friends who were Filipino. It's been really cool to hang with these guys. They're all amazing!
I also joined the Leadership Funding Board which is part of the Undergraduate Student Government. This is a great opportunity for me to find out about a lot of the Student Orgs on campus and what they're all about. I also plan on running for office in the Spring.
I'm part of my church's campus ministry on campus which has been really fantastic. We've really been focusing on reaching out to others and sharing Christ with them. It's been great. So far, two people have decided to give their lives to Christ, live as Christians, and get baptized! It's been awesome. Right now we're also studying with several people teaching them Christianity as well. It's really been a faith builder!
In addition to all these things and taking 18 units of classes, I also work part time on campus at the Lloyd Greif Center for Entrepreneurial Studies. It's a really chill job and my bosses really like me a lot. I plan on making Entrepreneurship my senior concentration, so I think I'm getting a step ahead by working with and meeting all the professors who teach those classes. I actually just found out last week that I'm getting a raise! After only a month and a half of working for them! My boss Claudia said that they really appreciate the work I've been doing for them.
--
So I hope that was a good enough recap for all two of you. I really do miss blogging and want to get back into it for sure. I plan on keeping it up. That's it for now. I'm spent.
Cy
This past weekend, I was up in Nor Cal for a wedding. While I had a really good time and the wedding/reception was fantastic, there was a little bit of drama that went down. Let me give you some background before I go into it.
In 1982 when my mom was 26, she moved to the United States with a handful of other nurses from the Philippines. All of them were recruited to work in Brownsville, Texas. They all shared the same shifts and lived in the same apartments. Needless to say, they all bonded very closely as friends.
My dad moved out to the U.S. in 1985. I was conceived in '86 and born January 29th of 1987. Being Catholic, I was baptized and my parents named pretty much all of their friends at the time as my godparents. We stayed in Texas until I was 4 years old.
Fast forward 16 years.
I'm 20 now and one of my godparents' daughters is getting married. Everyone is excited for this and we make plans to head to the East Bay area for a good weekend away to spend with friends we haven't seen in almost two decades. Everyone invited to the wedding stayed at a really nice Marriott Hotel in a really cool town called Walnut Creek. They have a nice little district where we did a lot of shopping on Friday.
The wedding was fantastic, but very interesting and different. The bride is Catholic and the groom is Jewish. Neither decided to convert over, but rather to accept those differences and appreciate them. In the wedding were elements of a traditional Catholic wedding as well as elements of a traditional Jewish wedding. My favorite part was when the groom Joel stepped on the glass and we all shouted "Mazel Tov!" It was definitely cool to be a part of. The real fun came at the reception. The couple's parents spent thirty grand on this reception. There was an open bar, waiters serving wine and fancy hors d'ourves. There was a really expensive dinner complete with stuffed chicken, baked salmon, roast beef, Caesar salad... the works. It was amazing.
So here's where the drama starts. I have a couple friends in Northern California who I've been keeping in contact with over the years, but have not seen in 4 years since 2003. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone by being able to leave from the wedding reception a little early and go meet up with my old pals. I told my dad this and he flipped out.
He was severely upset that I was leaving early. He expressed that I should stay because I haven't seen these 'relatives' in over fifteen years. That there will never be an opportunity like this again. I told him that I understand that and that there would be all of the next day to hang out with them and get to know them. There was an all day reunion planned at the house of the bride's parents, so I was planning on using that time to bond and charm and what have you.
Basically, we ended up arguing over this for about an hour where he did one of those, "Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care." kind of things. I absolutely hate that, but I said, "Great! I'm going then." So I left, got incredibly lost on the way to Sacramento where I would be meeting my friends, stayed out for a couple hours, then got back to the hotel at 3am. The whole entire time, though, I couldn't help but wonder if I had made the right choice.
The thing I couldn't understand was why all people couldn't be happy in this situation. I know I would have regretted it majorly if I didn't go and see my friends for at least a couple hours, since I am NEVER in Nor Cal. The last time I've been up there was when I was 7 years old.
So the next day at the reunion, I had a blast. I hung out and played some games with my 'cousins', hammed it up with their folks, my godparents, and made $300 singing one song of I Swear by All-4-One on Karaoke. I was shocked, but my parents were like, "That's okay. That's how much they owe you over 16 years." I was definitely cool with that.
Overall, I had a great weekend. It was a lot of fun. I just don't know why my dad had to make Saturday night such a HUGE deal. I think he's over it, but I'm expecting somewhere down the road for him to bring that night up against me in some future argument.
Eh, whatever. I'm spent.
(note: Yes, the friends I hung out with were HOBY friends from the year I went through the program in D.C. in 2003. It was amazing to catch up with them and chill and get lost around Sacramento while searching for a 24-hour starbucks.)
So it's definitely been a while since I've blogged. I've had a lot of time this summer to consider where I am in life and the things that are important to me. Recently, I changed the "About Me" section on my Facebook. I think it describes a little bit about what's been going on with me lately.
"I figured I'd rewrite this since life is ever-changing...
I'm still a Christian and still love God, no change there. I'm finding my life to be one continual roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. I think and wonder about how odd, yet strangely beautiful and ugly at the same time life is. It's short, but at times it's quite long.
I stretch the limits, I push the boundaries, I strive for above-average. I get tired of monotony and upset at mediocrity. I hate apathy and the word, "whatever". I lean towards those who are decisive and forthright. I don't like to make decisions for other people. I do however give out advice.
I'm sometimes loud and sometimes soft-spoken. I tend to take leadership when no one else will. I work well in groups. The way to destroy my spirit is to leave me in a room by myself for the rest of my life. My purpose and calling in life is to help others. Forget monetary success and hording material possessions, the impact you make in other people brings more happiness than anything else you can acquire.
I love to sing. I love to act. I would love to do both at the same time. Honestly, sometimes my life is like a song, other times it's an act. I hate to disappoint, and unfortunately for me, a temptation is to be something I'm not. I don't cope well with failure, but it's not hard to admit my faults. I like to be liked and I search for acceptance from my peers. I am a social butterfly.
I'm polite and kind. I don't have walls or barriers. I let people into my heart if they're willing to go there. However, I do have a hard time giving it back to people who step on it or break it. I long for someone to truly love, in a hopeless romantic sort of way. I love people. I love their strengths, but I also accept their weaknesses. Who are we without them?
I realize now that life is what you make of it. I understand that life is monumentally short in comparison to the vast expanse of eternity. I accept that because of that, I must make it my goal to enrich the lives of others. I admire the fact the only thing I can leave behind is my memory and what people thought of me. I fight to be positive and uplifting because I don't want to be remembered as a downer or someone who sat around while the world passed him by.
I live."
I've been trying to reconsider and debate in my mind the things that are most important to me. I'm not sure what those things are. I suppose family and friends are somewhere close to the top of that list. I think making an impact in the lives of others is up there. Being the best I can be is somewhere on that list. It's just interesting to think about how far we've come as people. We're no longer kids. We have to make decisions and we have to follow through on them.
I think I know what I want in the short term. I want to get accepted to USC. I want to move out of my parents' house. I want to find a girl I like and date her. I want to make new friends. I want to keep old ones. I want to travel. I want to stay busy. I want to make others happy. I want to be happy.
This summer is so jam packed with things to do and I'm loving every minute of it. I like how I'm going to be in San Francisco this weekend for a wedding, return on Sunday and leave three days later on the 4th for Boston. I like that after I return from Boston on Monday, the 9th, I have a week at home before I leave for Washington, D.C. for HOBY. I like the friends I have in this organization. I think the reason I want to travel so much is that I just want to be out of the house. I'm honestly ready to move on and start my own life away from the influence of my parents and the umbrella they have over me. I appreciate it and I'm grateful for it, but I'm over it. It's time for me to venture out and find things out for myself and start on the path to the life I'm supposed to live that is supposed to be my life, and not my parents' life for me.
Anyway, I'm just babbling on and on now. I figured I'd write a little bit, because it's been awhile. Hope you enjoyed it.
Here I am, the night before my first couple finals for hopefully my last semester at AVC and I am stuck on the computer finding ways to procrastinate. Thus here I am writing this blog. I've exhausted all other methods. No new messages or friend requests on Myspace. No new wall posts or messages on Facebook either. No new forum posts on any of the message boards that I frequent. No new entries on my favorite blogs as well. No one is online that I want to talk to. There is nothing to watch on TV. My eyes hurt from playing too much video games.
Yet, I am on blogger. Typing up a blog entry. About how I'm putting off studying for my two economics finals tomorrow. I also have a paper to write. Crap. Well... *sigh*. I better go do that.
Today was an absolutely terrible day for the students of Virginia Tech and the residents of Blacksburg, Virginia. A total of 33 people died in today's shootings. Any search on YouTube will get you a video of student interviews and testimonies. The gunman was a man in his mid-20s, asian, and not a student of the University.
What makes someone do something like this? What pushes someone to the edge to the point they would go and massacre entire classrooms, killing random young adults? When I heard about this on the news this morning I was shocked and instantly tearful. Watching images of policemen carrying people out of the school, stains of blood on the floor; listening to sounds of gunshots and people screaming... it's horrifying. You would never think that something like that could happen at your campus, but it can. This could happen in any public place other than a school; a shopping center, a park, a busy street. Some people are completely irrational and throw all and any sort of logic out of the window to act entirely on emotion and out of passion. It's disgusting.
What disturbs me further is the fact that the school didn't even send out notices to the students that there was a shooter on the campus until two hours after the first shooting occurred at one of the dorms, where two people were killed. By that time, the killer had already made his way across campus to kill 30 more people. Why wasn't the school evacuated earlier? It's absolutely deplorable that it's entirely possible that 30 lives could've been saved if action was taken sooner. When asked about their decision to keep the first shooting under wraps, they said that they believed it was an isolated incident. The man came, did his business, and most likely left the campus. There would be no reason to cancel classes for the rest of the day.
Excuse me, "MOST LIKELY" are not two words I'd like to hear when concerning my safety or even my life.
"Yes, this plane will most likely stay in the air and make it to the Philippines."
"You most likely do not have cancer."
...
You get the idea. In my opinion, this was a very bad and fatal decision on the part of the school administration.
Besides the ranting, the fact of the matter is that 33 people lost their lives today and that's sad. I took a day off work just to pray and meditate over what happened this morning. It's impossible to predict or change what will happen in life, so you just have to roll with the punches and be grateful for things you have. I say "Go Hokies" in my title, because they need our support more than ever.
It's actually quite amazing how fast someone's life can be taken from them. Life is so precious and fragile. We're not a very durable species; at least not physically. Our organs aren't protected by a hard outer covering, our bones will become brittle and our joints will creak. Thankfully, we have logic to keep our wits about us to keep us from killing ourselves off. (Caveat: The Darwin Awards) So why do we murder each other? Is this particularly necessary? We're easily breakable enough as it is. We don't need people to go around doing that for us. Being a Christian, it's understandable that in the Old Testament, God's people were often in war and battle. However, when was the last time God spoke to you to lead people to kill others and take the promised land?
Anyway... I'm sick of murder and violence. I'm tired of all that crap. Have some sanctity and respect for human life. Get over your selfish and disposed self and learn another freaking point of view. What gives one man a right to cease the life of another human being? Ugh... this makes me sick and miserable.
Oh well, there's no use in ranting except to let off some steam. My heart and prayers go out to all of you who attend VT and the families and friends of those affected by today's tragedy.
RESPECT LIFE.
Cy
I just purchased a shirt online from this great t-shirt company Threadless. I think it fits me perfectly... (ha. pun)
Okay, I don't know how much longer I'm going to do the whole posting my title in brackets thing. Probably til the end of the month...
With business aside, let's get down to the heart of the matter. Over the last several days, I've realized that I've done what I kinda vowed not to do: Let the events that have happened to my friend affect me and my relationship with God and with other people.
Since last week, I've fallen flat on my face into sin, hurting God and other people. I've kinda withdrawn myself emotionally, putting up a barrier between me and my friends. I've lost some of the joy and zeal that I normally have. I've let tiredness become an excuse for most things.
Lately, I've been hearing people say, "Hindsight is 20/20" and it's very true. I see the mistakes I've made this past week, and I'm going to work hard to spot when I start doing them and quit it right then and there.
Thus, If I have hung out with you over the last week and I haven't been myself or I don't seem to be giving myself fully to the company, I am deeply sorry and apologize. It's not in my nature to be withdrawn or constantly 'tired'. I hate that junk. So for that, I ask forgiveness.
I'm ready to go back to being filled with energy and joy. I like that a lot better than this sad and depressing state I've been in the last two weeks or so.
With that being said, I was watching the news tonight after American Idol on FOX and there was a segment on this Cal State Fullerton senior who has been living out of his truck for almost the last two years. My friend Emily was telling me about people she knows at USC who live out of their cars during the semester while taking care of all their hygienic needs at the university's gym. Anyway, the guy keeps a blog and it's a pretty interesting read. Already in the first half an hour of the segment getting air on FOX, he's received almost twenty comments on his blog entry for today. Check out his musings on what it's like to live in your car at www.gotruckyourself.blogspot.com. Tomorrow he's doing an interview for national television. He also was contacted by some of the press in France. Crazy.
Alrighty, not much else to say I suppose. I saw Wicked on Sunday night at the Pantages Theatre in Hollywood with my mom. It was my gift to her for Christmas. I must say, it was absolutely outstanding. The vocal performances were right on and I was just blown away by the set design. Good show.
That's it for me tonight, I'm trying to keep the posts a little cohesive. I have more to write about, but I'll save it for tomorrow. Tonight was fun. More on that later.
Cy
I drop by his place tonight. He's in his room so I hang with his roommates for a bit watching V for Vendetta. He comes out, says hi to me, gives me a hug, and grabs a drink of water. As he retreats back into his room, he waves at me and says,
"Cy, I'm saying goodbye for now. I probably won't be seeing you for a while."
I get up and give him another hug.
Well, he's moving. Most likely at the end of the month. I'll be sad for a little bit, but the joy from knowing he's taking care of himself and getting better overwhelms any sorrow I can feel. I see this as a new chapter in his life and my own. A chance to end one story and begin another. I wish the best for him and hope he keeps his smile.
Sometimes clichés are great: If you love something, you'll let it go.
I love you, man. Take care of yourself. Get better.
I exit my English to find this scene in front of me. I notice it almost immediately, make a comment in my head, and walk past it. I stop dead in my tracks and decide that I need to take a picture of this. I backtrack and as nonchalantly as I possibly can, grab a snapshot with my phone.
For the sake of humor and drawing attention away from things too serious, please caption this set of photos:
I realize that I've been very depressing lately, but with good reason.
However, you always have to stop in the madness of sadness (like that one, huh?), and smell the roses for just a second.
Monday was a great day for that. I got my Winter Intercession grades:
SOC101 - Introduction to Sociology, an online class with Professor William Lund - A
MUS102 - History of Jazz, a swinging fun class with Professor Gary Gregg - A
Those two A's mean that (you're going to hate me) I continue to maintain a 4.0 GPA in college. This will be the transcript I'm sending into USC for Fall 2007 admission and I'm very proud of it. According to the dean of the business department, I'm a shoe-in, but we can only wait and see.
Hey, what do you know! There is happiness in life!
Cy
postscript: That last line was a joke. Of course I believe there's happiness in life. It just seems that in the whole myriad of sadness that this week has been, I haven't made a point of sharing the things that have been bringing me happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going around sobbing all over the place.
Life teaches you that not all things are secure. You can't always be 100% certain of what is right in front of you.
People change. Situations change. Lives change.
Granted, some things are certain for everyone. For me, my faith is certain. God is certain. Really. Does anything matter in this life? In this world that we live on? Apart from following the Lord and his commands, I don't think so.
My friend is going to be facing some hard times up ahead. His future is only as uncertain as he allows it to be. If he learns from this mistake and puts God first, I think he'll come out of it okay. Possibly even stronger and more secure.
I hope and pray that he doesn't use this as a crutch to fall deeper into sin and despair. I pray that he continues to seek guidance and help in his life. I pray that he places his value solely on God and not the things of this earth that are perishing. I hope that he comes out of this trial victorious and ready to do whatever for the Kingdom.
If he does these things, then I know he'll be taken care of. Sadly to say, if he does these things, I'll be seeing much less of him. Honestly, I want what's best for him. I still love him and he will always be my big bro.
For new life, there must be sacrifice. For him, the sacrifice is living in close proximity to us. I understand that him moving away is part of this sort of repentance that must take place in order for him to live once again for the Lord and not for himself. Yes, I'll be sad by his departure and will miss seeing him week after week, but if it is what is necessary for both of us to live in eternity with our Heavenly Father, then I am all for it. "Not my will, but yours be done." Right?
He will be third of those who have 'left'. My closest friend and mentor during my early teen years Scott moved away to Sacramento in the summer of 2003. That same month, my own father decided to leave God and the Church and live a completely capitalistic life, seeking after things so temporary and worthless. Both were a huge hit to me that year. I used those two 'leaving' as an excuse to hate and doubt God. An excuse to fall deep into sin, taking me to a place I never dreamed I'd be. I'm still healing from the things I've done and making reparations to the people I've hurt.
This time around, I've learned my lesson. I cannot use this as an excuse for failure. I cannot use this as a reason to be ineffective, lukewarm, and selfish. Rather, I must use this as motivation to fight harder because the spiritual battle that this life truly is has become even more real to me. Satan has brutally attacked someone so close and dear to my life, that I have to fight back. I have to resolute to do God's purposes for me in this life as vengeance for those lost in the battle.
I hope my comrade picks himself up and rejoins us on the frontlines sooner than later.
I'm thankful that through giving myself wholeheartedly to ministry work, that I'm learning more discernment and obtaining 'greater wisdom' (with it, I wouldn't do it. (inside joke)). Seriously though, God has been teaching me a lot. I've become much more spiritual focused and it's been a huge blessing to me. Because I'm devoting my time, energy, and efforts into other people and into the ministry, I have not had a lot of time nor opportunity for sin and all the guilt, shame, pain, and hurt that comes with it.
It's Sunday morning. 8:50a. My phone rings. It's Luke.
I tell what happened last night.
He tells me something different.
Long story short, One phone call changes everything.
Never mind.
Trust is a hard thing to come by these days.
God, you are so real to me. So real.
My eyes are red. My face streaming with tears. My bottom lip quivering. In darkness, I sit in my car in the middle of the desert, engine running, radio off. I look up at the stars. They're beautiful.
I've been driving around west of town, looking for a secluded place to just throw open the floodgates of emotion that I've been holding on to since talking with him in the crowded restaurant. I am alone, but feel comforted. Scared, but secured. Hurt, but mended.
My forehead rests on the steering wheel as I utterly just weep. I'm at a loss for words. All I can do is cry. I think about what my friend just told me at Denny's. I can believe it. It just hurts. It hurts a whole heck of a lot. I think to myself, this isn't about me. But in a lot of ways, it is.
He tells me the wrong he has done; the hurt he has caused; the sin that pierces his soul. My heart breaks in front of him and I try to hold my composure. I can see the fear in his tired eyes. He's been up for quite a while. They're moist and red. He's been crying a lot today. I'm devastated to see someone so full of life like this. But we all have our downs.
I tell him with tears that there is absolutely nothing that he can do that will make me love him less. I tell him that he is my brother, always will be. I accept him fully for who he is, faults and all. I continue on as he lays his head down in his hands and convulses with tears. I put my hand on his and tell him,
"I'm here for you. I always will be. Never doubt that."
We look at each other with wet eyes. I share an experience in my life that I can relate to him with and tell him that it's not the end of the world. God loves to use broken sinners like us. The difference between him and I is that he got open with it quickly, whereas I let this sin infect and wound my soul while I kept it hidden for years. It only got worse until I hit rock bottom. That's when I had to be honest with myself, God, and some close spiritual friends who would let down the rope and pull me up out of the well.
He thanks me for my friendship and love, but says he doesn't deserve it. I reflect on the things I've done in my past and how I've hurt those I love as well.
"Bro, I don't deserve it anymore than you do either. But that's what's so great about God."
He nods in agreement. I'm glad it's not as bad as I thought it would be. All throughout the day, multiple things ran through my mind. The worst of which was that I thought that he would be moving away somewhere and that I most likely would never see him again. That thought killed me. Hopefully, this isn't the case.
He tells me, "Cy, I still want to be faithful. I still love God. I care about God. I care about discipleship," he starts to break into tears, "I care about you; about the ministry..." he goes on and my heart is reassured that he'll come out of this victorious and ever more faithful and sure of his promises in the Lord.
We both say our peace and I let him leave to go home and do what he needs to do. I pick up the bill for our two coffees and head out. Once in the car, I explode into hysterics. It's almost uncontrollable. I feel I need to drive away somewhere far, organize my thoughts, and pray.
I find a good place to pull over and just stop everything. I sit for a while in silence. Just thinking. Just wondering.
As I go through the multitude of feelings and thoughts in my mind, I experience sensations of pain, where I cry so hard and so loud, and sensations of joy, where I rejoice because I know it's not all in vain.
This hits me so hard because it's about the people I care for the most in this life. I confess to God that getting an awesome education, landing a high-paying job, and any other material thing I can gather for myself is worth absolutely nothing to me. What I care about is my family and what I can do to help them and make them happy. So this hurts. It hurts because I feel powerless to fix what he's going through, but at the same time, I am at ease because I know that God works for the good of those who love him and luckily for this guy, he still loves God.
I continue to pray for the ministry and the people involved in it. I pray for the mission that we have on this earth. I pray for the leaders of the church and that they'll be wise in the decisions they make. I pray that I would be completely empty of myself and filled with His spirit because the 'Cy' I know really sucks and can't do much, but if God is for me, who can be against me?
I drive off after a while of thinking and praying and sing a couple songs out loud to God. I sing about God letting his blessings and promises rain down on his people. That he would open up the floodgates of Heaven and bring consistency, sovereignty, righteousness and mercy to his people. I sing another song about being absolutely nothing, but everything to God. About how he commands us to come to Him, stand in silence and be overwhelmed by who He is. All of it. About how that silence is broken by my weeping over my own wretchedness. How Christ's redemptive blood covers my entirety and my shame. How God's powerful and booming voice shakes the Heavens with his words, yet also whispers my name. How Christ catches my tears and wipes them from my face with his hands scarred by the nails of the cross. How I am just so overwhelmed by everything God is and everything I am not.
I think about how relevant those songs are. As I drive home in song, I shed tears of happiness because of life. All I can say to my creator is, God, you are so real to me. So real. I see that tonight more than ever.
I look up at the stars in wonder of the Lord. They're still beautiful.
I started to watch a movie, but fell asleep on it for a couple of hours. I awoke to find I had a voice mail message and a missed call on my phone. I listed to the message and it was my mom.
"New Message. Saturday 6:00pm, 'Hey son, it's your mom. I'm outside and can't find my keys. Open up!"
I looked at my alarm clock. It was 6:30p. Whoops! I promptly called her back.
"Hey, boy. Are you awake now?"
"Yeah, sorry mom. Where are you?"
"I'm downstairs. I found my keys."
Whew.
Dad then got home and we watched the new episode of our favorite show that has been on a freaking 17-week hiatus. We then also watched an episode of a new show we're also enjoying a lot, Heroes.
Ah... the return of good TV.
2007.02.09 9:00p
I'm in the middle of Bible Talk and I get a phone call from said friend. I excuse myself from the discussion and take the call outside.
"Hey, man. What up?" I ask.
"Oh... well, a lot. Did you maybe want to get together tonight?" He asks.
I think for a moment. I really want to get together with him and let him talk about what's going on in his life. I've been pretty uneasy about it since Wednesday night. However, my friend Drew from out of town in staying the night with some of the other guys from my ministry. My hands are full. I respond,
"Um. Did you get my message I left earlier?"
"No, sorry, man. I didn't."
"Oh. Well I called to say that Drew was in town and wanted to hang with us tonight if you weren't doing anything. But I understand if you can't or don't feel up to it tonight."
He answers, "Yeah. Tell him I said what's up and sorry, but I can't."
"It's cool, dude. Hey, maybe we can get together tomorrow after choir practice?"
"For sure, bro. Yeah." I hear him say on the other end.
"Okay. I'll call you after practice is done at 11 tomorrow. Cool?" I say.
"Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow then."
"Alright, buddy. Love you, man. I mean it."
"Thanks, Cy. Love you too."
We hang up.
==
Fast forward: 2007.02.10 2:00p
My phone rings.
I answer. "Hey, bud."
"Hey, Cy."
"Still have time to get together today?"
"Yeah, but I'm going to head down below at 3p. So maybe when I get back if I get back at a decent hour?"
Any hour would be okay. I'd stay up to listen to him and hear him out. "Of course, dude. Just give me a call when you head back into town."
"Alright. I talk to you later."
"Later, man. Love you. Drive safe." I respond.
"Thanks. Love you too."
We hang up.
==
The more I think about what is going on and the more I listen to his voice over the phone, the more my heart is restless and utterly breaks at whatever pain or trial this guy is going through. I'm almost on the brink of tears when I can't recognize the joy and excitement for life that is normally conveyed through his voice. Really, all I can do is pray for him and hope that things will work itself out.
Whatever it is, it won't ever keep me from loving him. He's my brother. Seriously.
2006.01.28
Church was awesome, but I'm flippin' hungry now. Several of my friends and I head out to the mall to grab some grub from the food court. After pondering what I had the appetite to eat for a couple minutes, I decide on The Great Steak Company My friends Kat and Tila choose to get their food from the Mediterranean place right next to the Great Steak.
"Oh, Cy! Where are you eating?"
"Great Steak."
"Have you ever tried this stuff? It's SO good."
"Uh... not really." I say.
Just then, the man behind the counter raises a piece of meat skewered onto a toothpick, and says "Sample? Sample?"
Kat says, "Yeah, Cy! Try one! It's really awesome. No kidding!"
I grab the sample from the guy and as I do, he says,
"Yeah! Try something other than Chinese food for a change!"
I chuckle... -WAIT. What? Did you seriously just make a racially insensitive joke at me? I respond with the only thing I can think of at the time,
"Dude... I don't even really like Chinese food."
In retrospect, I should've said, "Dude, I'm not even Chinese" or maybe retaliate with "Or maybe you should go eat some hummus or something!" Nah, I wouldn't say that.
He goes, "Oh. Whatever."
Yeah... I won't be eating there.
...Whatever.
