I've caught the VIBE once more.

Today was my first day back on the job at Anchor Blue. Apparently, Maria my boss is going to give me more hours this time around. I worked an 8 hour shift today. I have not had to stand this long in quite a while. Oh, and my pay's been moved up to $7/hour; a quarter more than last year. It was good to be back. I'm still familiar with the register and all that, so it's cool.

We bought two movies today; Shaun of the Dead ($10 at Wal Mart) and Jarhead ($16). We watched Jarhead tonight. It was the first time any of us had seen it. My thoughts on it? Incredible. Sam Mendes does an amazing job. I guess he also did American Beauty and Road to Perdition; two other movies that I also enjoy.

It's quite vulgar, but I bet it's a pretty darn accurate description of how the Corps really is. To think... I seriously thought about joining the Marines for a while... I haven't told many people that, but yeah, it was a serious consideration.

Well... I work tomorrow from 10am-2pm, so come drop by Anchor Blue and say "Wassup, Cy??"... That would be neat.

The Hollow Men - Train Noir

More thoughts for later...

...I have more to put up, but I was lazy. For now, here are some pictures on the day at the airport!

Thought 2

My friends. No one in the Antelope Valley has any idea that I am also coming home with my folks. Boy, are they in for a surprise. I’m trying to think of the best ways to drop the secret on them.

I figure with Justin, I’ll have my mom call him to come and pick up his My Chemical Romance CD that I borrowed ages ago and the first season of Lost. When he knocks on the door, I’ll be the one to answer it. That’ll be shocking. I suppose I’ll have to swear him to secrecy not to tell anyone. We’ll probably head over to his house where I can surprise his family as well. The Gott’s are a pretty cool family. They’re up there on my “it” list.

Lebens is going to be a harder one. Well, maybe not. I suppose I can just go to In-N-Out when he’s working and nonchalantly walk up, order a #1, ketchup only, with a chocolate shake in addition to the drink. He’ll probably say “What’s up, dude!?”, like he always does. It’ll be nice. I like surprising people.

As for Mallory and Emily, I have no idea how I can surprise them without waiting too long. I don’t want to be in the AV for a whole week and not have them know that I’m home. I suppose a simple phone call will have to do.

For JR, Grant, Fred, Charlie, Leila, Luke, Grace, Alden, and that whole crew, I think I will just show up to devotional on Wednesday unannounced. On Sunday, the whole congregation will know that I’m back. I might even song lead. Haha, that would be good.

For Becky, Tom, and all those cool kids, I’ll give them a simple phone call. Or I’ll ask Justin or Lebens to put some kind of gathering together. We’ll see.

Thoughts from the Airport

02.19.06

As I write this I am sitting at a table with my dad’s Apple Powerbook G4. We are in the international terminal at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport in Manila. I’ve got Microsoft Word open and I’m typing freely as thoughts flow out of my mind. Maybe they’re not really flowing freely. Actually, it’s a mess of thoughts. It seems really difficult to sort them all out; maybe even a bit overwhelming. I’m sniffling a lot because I smelled some cologne yesterday that had something I’m allergic to. It’s an uncomfortable feeling really.

Thought 1:
Dang. I’m so excited to be going home. I’ve missed my mom, my dog, my friends, my home, and my routine since day one in the Philippines. I’m glad my mom suggested that I come home earlier than planned with them. My time in the Philippines has been great, but man, there’s really no place like home. Lancaster is my home.

This is Sick.

I ROFL at Dancing.

ROFL = Roll on the floor, laughing.

So tonight, I go out with Mike, my parents, and King to "The Venue", or as I like to call it, "Ze Venu". The Venue is this nightclub/concert hall thing that people here in Davao like to go to at night... in their life... So Davao has a 'nightlife'. This is a word that is unfamiliar to an Antelope Valleyan.

Anyway, while at Ze Venu, we sat around, listened to some loud dance music and drank beer. And yes, I had some. 3, in fact. To be totally honest, I never drink alcohol unless my parents are there. The one time I drank without them around was actually the first time I touch a drop of alcohol and I actually had a blog entry that I wrote about that two years ago. First time having alcohol = first time being drunk. haha, didn't know my limits. Eh, you live and learn. On that same subject, when I do have a couple beers, my parents make sure I don't have too much. heh. Thanks, mom and dad. I actually feel that if you have to alter your state of mind in order to have a good time, something's wrong with you. Mainly, I'll have a beer or two just to "share a drink with someone". Aparently, it's rude here to not drink with someone if you go out with them somewhere.

Eh, enough bout da bears. I mean, ze beers. So at Ze Venu, there's this band that is playing this weekend. They're actually not too bad. Nothing spectacular, but nothing terrible. They did some nice covers of songs by Beyonce, Santana, the Eagles... it was cool. Between their sets random dance club music would play and people would go up to the dance floor to shake their groove thing.

One group that caught my attention in particular, was a gathering of 3 guys and 2 girls. All but one of them were Filipino. The other, a Korean exchange student (after being here for 4 months, I can tell). Anyway, after watching them for awhile, it became obvious to me that the girls were trying to give the Korean girl dance lessons. And I'm sorry to say, but it was one of the most amusing things I've ever seen in my life.

Now I don't claim to be an expert at dancing. No sir. In fact, the girl could probably have gotten a chuckle out of seeing me dance. What's with dancing? The whole moving the hips thing, where to put your arms and flap em around? I dunno.

So yeah, that was the highlight of my evening, drinking a couple brewskies with my folks and watching 2 Filipina girls give a korean girl a lesson in 'sexy' dancing. LOL

well... the time is drawing nearer to when I will be returning to the States. I can't believe it's almost been 4 months. A third of a year. Wow.


Do I have a sexy dance? ROFL.
Cy

It's Easier.

To not give your all. To be weak. To not live up to your full potential. To be lazy. To be selfish. To be distanced. To be isolated. To loathe in self-pity. To sleep all day. To not pour out your heart. To lie. To cheat. To steal. To forget. To remember. To hold a grudge. To let go.


To make life harder is to make it easier.


Doesn't that make sense? It seems that if we always take the easy route through things, life actually becomes harder. Though, not always in an external way visible to others on the outside, but rather on the inside; a battle within our consciousness and spirit for what is and what isn't; what should and what shouldn't.


To make life easier is to make it harder.


It's odd how life can be so difficult and yet so simple. Though for others, maybe it's not so simple... maybe the choices aren't so clear. But maybe they are. Maybe we choose not to see things as simple as they are. Maybe we choose to make things difficult.

Iunderstand that I am speaking in obscurities, but it makes perfect sense to me.

I tend to get the best of myself.

I'm lazy.

Tis true.

Hmm... so January 29th was my birthday. I am now 19 years old. Goodness gracious.
The friday before that, my mom and Mike, one of my really great friends flew in to Davao... they will be here til the 19th of this month. Great times.

Today I was in Kaloi's wedding. He and Lea are now married. that's awesome. They asked me to play something for their wedding on the saxophone. I did. It was alright. I'm always embarassed to play my instruments in front of people. Honest reason is because I'm out of practice. That's embarassaing.

Eh... yeah the blog thing... I'm not so great at it right now. lol. laziness.

Interesting...

This is my 100th post! And with this post is a survey or an analysis of me that is surprisingly acurate:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||| 80% Stability |||||||||||||||| 66% Orderliness |||| 20% Accommodation |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76% Intellectual |||||| 30% Mystical || 10% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||| 23% Vanity |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Female cliche |||||| 30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture

hmmm...

This be them pick-chos.

So here it is... I haven't updated in over a week, but that's ok, because what I'm giving you guys is worth all that! Anyway, it all starts with School...


This is Rey, one of my classmates in Philippine History. He is seriously one of the funniest kids I've ever met. He's pretty much your typical class clown. And I love it.


This was the boy I wrote about in my blog titled "Circumstance".


This is a street corner right by my school. You can see how different it is from the United States. Check out the vehicles. They're called Jeepneys... the major public transportation system in the Philippines.


Our church threw a Christmas party with a retro 60's and 70's theme of "Staying Alive". The Campus ministry decided to go "Grease" style... and well that's me dancing. LOL.

I spent my Christmas week in Kiamba (my mom's hometown). On the way there, we stopped at a mall and I picked up a book at a used book store entitled Intesnsity written by Dean Koontz. It was one of the best books I've ever read. And I don't like reading... since this book, I've read another book by Koontz called The Taking and am now reading another one by him called Fear Nothing. I'm pretty much a devoted Koontz fan now.


Dean Koontz's Intensity. I read this novel in three days. And I don't even like literature that much.

My cousins and I in Kiamba love to play this game called "1, 2, 3, Pass" where you pretty much try to get 4 of a kind by passing cards around in a circle. The first one to get 4 of a kind, slaps his/her hand on the table. Everyone else is supposed to slap their hand down too. The last person to slap gets a penalty... our favorite penalty is lipstick.


Playing "1, 2, 3, Pass"

I came in 2nd place pretty much... (that's good)... but this is what I looked like sitting well in second place:



The "1, 2, 3, Pass Gang"

Kiamba is a beautiful town set right on the southern coast line of the Philippines. Thus, there are beautiful beaches.


Woodbridge Beach in Kiamba.

Christmas Eve we had a family party and some good eats...


Most of the fam gathered around for dinner.

You might be wondering... "is that a pig on the table?"
...well, Indeed it is. "Lechon Baboy" is a delicacy in the Philippines. It's pretty much roasted pig. It's delicious.


This pig was the victim in the latest slasher movie "Porked".

Kiamba was great because it was just a nice time to spend with cousins, aunts and uncles.


Some of my cousins at the plaza in Kiamba.

Did I say Kiamba's a beautiful place?


Kiamba just before dawn.


My closest cousins and I on the dock.


More family.

There's a lot of dogs in the Philippines... and no, Tom. I did not eat any. I've seen some unfortunate dogs in my life, but none so much as this one...


The dog from Hell.

My cousin Giselle in New York came up with a slogan to put on a t-shirt for us... "Got Adobo?" parodied off the "Got Milk?" ad slogans. Adobo is a very popular Filipino dish.


Cousins, nieces, nephews and "Got Adobo?"

I returned to Davao City (my dad's hometown) where I spent New Year's.


This is portion of the entire Serrano clan gathered in front of our house.

Most of my cousins on my dad's side are all older than me... Most in their 30s. The majority of them already have children.


Me, nieces, nephews, and someone's head.

It's a Filipino tradition that in the coming of the New Year or a major event, money is rolled up in little balls and thrown to the family to symbolize good luck and fortune and coming wealth and hapiness in the coming year... It was pretty fun to watch and everyone had a good time.


Catching the money.

I also have some photos that I've added to my deviantArt.com. Check em out...
"Ocean Sunset" - an incredible capture I got at dawn in Kiamba.
"Mother and Child" - a shot of my cousin's wife and their child.
"Pikoy" - a close up shot of my uncle's really rad parrot.
"Pikoy Dos" - another close up shot of my uncle's really rad parrot.

Yep, that's all I've got for now. I have taken more pictures, but I haven't uploaded them to my computer. So that's pretty much all the pictures from before 2006. Hope you enjoyed em!

Pictures...

...are coming tomorrow. Hold on to your hats.

So today is my father's 50th birthday. Wow. 50 years old. Congrats, man. That's half a century. Amazingness. And you dont look much older than 42 or something.

Happy birthday, pops.

Hey HOBY, HOBY, Are you ready?

so... every summer, hundreds of people from all over the world gather together in Washington D.C. for a week and a half of motivation, learning, enlightenment, and fun. This huge event is called the Hugh O'Brian Youth Leadership World Leadership Congress. of the HOBY WLC.

I now officially have the distinct pleasure and honor to be the assistant to the Director of Ambassadors (DA). The DA is pretty much the chairperson for the whole event so she has a lot of work to do. My responsibility is to help her with all that work.

Anyway. I'm pumped.

Click here to read more.

More info about HOBY at HOBY.org

HOBY always gets me excited. I can't wait for this summer!

/sigh

So being back in school isn't all that fun. Christmas break was awesome. Got to hang out with family and that was great.

Now, I'm back at school and I'm disliking it more and more each day. I'm finding it increasingly frustrating to interact with people here and with me being the extrovert that I am, is very difficult for me. I'm normally talkative. I'm normally outgoing. Yet here, it feels impossible to be my 'normal' self. I want my friends. I want my 'normal' way of life back in the U.S.A..

Granted, I have learned so much in my stay here, but I am so ready to come home. And I have THREE months left! I guess I must be being ungrateful or something, but really... I'm not being myself here and I hate that.

I've tried. I try to talk or joke around with some of my classmates, even some of my family, but they don't get it. Needless to say, I just feel so left out here. It's like everybody's in on some kind of joke that I'm totally oblivious of.

It sucks that my parents didn't raise me to learn tagalog, but that's just the way the dice landed.

Eh, so with my frustration, I've secluded myself and stayed in my room most of the time either on the computer or reading a book. This culture shock is starting to get to me. I've really never been here this long... and it seems to me right now that three more months is going to be torture.

Luckily, my mom and one of my best friends is coming for three weeks on the 25th of January. My 19th birthday is on the 29th, so they'll be here for that, which I'm very excited for.

Honestly, I'm just so worn out from being here. I don't have many real friends, if any. So emails and occasional phone calls and voice chats online is all I have. My friends back home are what sustain me through tough times, and I don't have that here. I'm not getting constant refreshment, so I just feel so freakin tired every day.

I miss home.

Oh man, i'm sick.

Sick like allergy sick. It's mega annoying.

Well happy passed holidays to everyone! I know it's been almost a month since I've posted, but i've been out of the city for a while and when I came back it was all work and no play. I don't have the energy to really type out a huge blog right now, but just wanted to tell you all... that i'm alive and kickin, even if the kickin is more like a little punt. I'm so tired and sick.

Meh.

The Coolest Animal Ever. EVAR.

...is King Kong. Hands down. The dude's got mad strength, can tear up t-rexes and still be a softie for the ladies. He is THE MAN.

So if you haven't guessed... if you're that thick... I just got back from seeing King Kong at SM Mall with my cousin Ken and King's (the guy who's lived in our house for the last two years) younger sister Tata (it's just a nickname). On a sidenote, King is here in Davao now! It's awesome. He's like a brother to me, so it's really cool to see him again.

This movie rocked my socks so hard I had to buy another pair. Let me just tell you guys that I haven't had this much fun in a movie since... well since I can remember. It's a great ride for 95% of the film. The beginning had my guessing whether or not the rest of the movie was going to be good... I wasn't digging the screenplay in the beginning and some of the camera tricks used later in the film were just kinda weird and distracting to me... eh. But don't get me wrong. The movie is freakin AWESOME. Hats off to Peter Jackson.

So everyone, sorry about the lack of blogs this week. I've been studying like a madman for my prelim exams. The semester here is divided into three grading periods: Prelims, Midterms, and Finals. This last week before Christmas break (merry jesusbirthday by the way) I had six planned exams. I say "planned" because yesterday I was happily surprised that our Algebra teacher decided not to give us one. She said that she was "tired of grading wrong papers". Don't misunderstand that. She's a great teacher, but she has crappy students. Me of course, not being one of them. They don't study, they don't show up for class, and they don't bother to make an effort. Well, they can have fun taking the same class next semester. This teacher is not going to pass them.

So exams this week were so surprisingly and ridiculously easy. I don't know why, but for some reason in EVERY class (I kid you not), I was the first person to finish the exam. And in every class mostly everyone looked at me in awe/surprise/disgust while I turned in my paper. I don't get it, but I think Filipinos were just taught differently on how to take tests. I have a feeling that they all read through all the questions first and then answer them... slowly. That's not how I do things. I like my time, thanks. But they were easy. I'm pretty sure I passed with flying colors. It's in the bag. I was most worried about my history exam today, because I had absolutely NO prior knowledge of Philippine History before coming here... but the test was shockingly easy. All mutliple choice and a lot of the questions had these kinds of options:

a) A blatantly wrong answer
b) The correct answer
c) Maybe
d) I guess

I was chuckling as I made my way through the test. About 6 of 50 questions were riddles or trick questions, such as "If a rooster lays 48 eggs in one day, how many eggs does he lay in 1 hour?"

a) 2
b) 3
c) 6
d) 0

If you answered (d) then you're a smart cookie. Roosters don't lay eggs, dummy. So yeah, questions like that. And the last question was (and this seems to be a popular question of EVERY teacher) "What is your teacher's full name?". I've gotten this question in most of my other classes (actually oddly enough only classes that are taught by women) in previous quizzes and in exams this week. Sadly though, I blanked on the answer more than once for those classes. Yeah, I don't know my teacher's names. Sad, I know. Here, we call them "Sir" and "Maam" so much that that becomes their name. "Did you talk to Sir yesterday?", "What assignment did maam give out last meeting?"... Different.

This week has been a lot of fun. I'm glad it's over though and that Christmas break is finally here. OH! Some really cool news today. Kaloi... you remember him owner of KIC (Kaloi's Internet Cafe) told me that he and Lea talked and they want me to be a groomsman in their wedding. WOW. What is it with me and being in people's weddings? I'm really honored, though. Now, I definitely have to learn a saxaphone piece for their wedding.

Tomorrow, I'm waking up early because we're doing a community service thing with the church. This week we did a used clothing and can goods drive, so tomorrow will be giving it out. It'll be really great.

On a related note, today I took a taxi to school because I was running late. As I got out of the cab, a homeless lady with a child in her arms approached me for a handout. Reflecting back on the time I denied a kid one peso (I actually saw him again, gave him money, then took some pictures of him... those later), I was convicted to be more compassionate. I gave the woman a 20 peso bill. Others saw this, and immediately, I was bum rushed by a mob of poor people. Seriously. There were hands... everywhere. Grabbing too. I reached into my pocket and grabbed a handful of change. I tried giving a peso out to each person, but that was a little difficult as everyone was swarming around me and pushing each other out of the way. Before it got too messy I said sternly, wala gyud. No more. And I walked swiftly to the gate. I was kinda frazzled by the whole thing. Man, poverty is powerful.

King Kong is set in the time of the depression era of the U.S. Compared to the current state of the Philippines, the homeless during the depression era is nothing compared to the homeless of the Philippines and other third-world countries today. Just an observation.

Well, I gotta get up early tomorrow, so that's all for tonight. And by all, I mean this is a freakin long blog. Good night.

Cy

Relax, It's Gonna Be Okay.

...seriously folks. This is the conclusion I have come to. No matter what happens, hey, it's gonna be fine. Life happens, you know? How can we have a say or choice in the things that happen externally? We can't. But what we can do, is learn to cope and adapt to those things.

Yep, so I've got joy again. I'm hopeful again. That's all I have to say. God is good. I'm affirmed of that everyday now.

It's so funny how he uses some pretty awkward or terrible (seeming) situations to really teach us and mold us for what's better. It's neat.

"If God will bring you to it, He'll bring you through it" - Thanks Sarah Grover for that one.

More on this later. I have exams to study for this week... then CHRISTMAS BREAK! WO0T!

Cy

Circumstance

Today after school, I sat on the steps in front of campus waiting for my dad to pick me up. As I sat, I contemplated my life. I thought about the person I am. The person I've become. I need to figure myself out.

As I was waiting, I saw a little boy. He had to be maybe 8 or 9 years old. His face and his shaggy hair was darkened from the dirt that covered him. He was homeless. He wore an old and tattered t-shirt. The shirt was also filthy and had several large holes in it. He wore a pair of raggedy shorts and flip-flops.

When I sat down, this boy came up to me and said, "Kuya, isang piso?". He was asking me for a peso to spare him. Kuya is a term used for respect. You say it to someone older than you, but not that much older than you. What shocked me was that I was so quick to say back to him "wala gyud"... meaning that I don't have any on me. This was a lie. Why was I so cold to his need? Thinking about it now makes me sick. He looked at me and walked off to ask others the same question.

This boy was so desperate, yet he didn't seem desperate. He was cracking jokes with some of the students coming out. He was throwing the coins he did receive around on the ground - tossing them just for fun. He was trying to get people to avail of the taxis parked in front of the campus. I observed him open the door for one student and she gave him a peso. From this, he learned something. I watched him as he tried to open and close any door of any car that pulled up to the sidewalk. This boy was in need.

My heart went out to him, but yet I was still so greedy. If I see him tomorrow, I'll have to give him some money.

While this boy was begging, another boy walked down the street holding his mom's hand. He looked to be about the same age as the homeless boy. He was dressed in his school uniform. Clean. Obviously took a shower that morning. His hair kept clean and cut. And he had someone - his mom. The homeless boy had no one.

It was an interesting thing to watch. One boy so affected by poverty and another boy so fortunate. What was the difference in these two lives? Could they possibly have had the same opportunities? Or are they victims of circumstance?

It's been occuring to me that some things are not in our control. Actually, quite a lot of things in life are not manageable or predictable. I wonder. If I had a different family, how much different would I be? If I had not gone through the experiences I have, would I know the things I know now? What other possibilities could there be?

God says he has a plan for our lives. That's it's not to harm us, but rather to prosper us. Was his plan for that homeless boy to beg for money to eat dinner that night? Was his plan for the fortunate boy to be well off enough to actually have an education? Why did he choose them? Why did God choose the path he did for these two boys?

Why has God chosen the path he has for my life? Why has he put this and that circumstance in my path? Why have I been elected to be faced with certain trials that others never have to even think about? Right now, I wish I struggled with different things. I wish I had a different set of trials. A different set of temptations. But I suppose that I need to grin and bear what I am going through. I've been through difficult situations before and thankfully I have been able to look back and see lessons learned from them. I know that that is also true for what I am going through right now.

Is my circumstance unique? I doubt it. I'm wondering what the outcome will be from this. God knows everything that has, will, and is happening. I trust in that. But I'm curious, is there really circumstances? Or do we shape our own problems and outcomes. I'm not sure, but our actions and our choices shape what happen to us in the future. So my question is... Will I make those right choices and take the right actions? What is right anyway? Isn't all things brought into our life, whether from good choices or bad, meant to teach us?

My thoughts are a mess right now. Thinking can get you into places you don't want to go... but I don't think we can be mindless sheep.

Hmm.
Cy

ARRGGHH

Why the heck am I like this? Why do I do the things I don't want to do?? I know I'm a sinful being. I know it's our nature to act like this, but why the heck cant i change!? Am I doomed to a life full of the same sickening routine? Up mountains, down in the pits and back up again?? I hate myself. I hate the person that I am. I hate how I can't simply say no. Why I'm not strong enough to stand firm. Why I can't just be a good Christian!!

My life feels like its crashing. People close to me are turning into betrayers and people I can't trust. I have no love in my heart. I have no sense of self-worth in my being.

Yeah I know, you might be thinking "Wow, this is not like Cy... or man, what's going on here."

Let me tell you guys something. I've got secrets. I've got some pretty sickening darkness within myself. Yeah, I've told people... yeah my desire is to change, but what the heck! I keep screwing it up. I screw up relationships. I'm screwing up my life! It's in times like this that I need God the most, but I am way too prideful to admit to that right away.

Guys, this is a really dark period in my life right now... It's not like it's been this way since I've been in the Philippines, but a recent confrontation has brought out the demons within me again. I need to rely on God's strength to get out of this. To ask for forgiveness, bask in his grace, and move on with being a loving disciple.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH CONFLICT IN LIFE?? WHY DO WE HURT SO MUCH? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAIN! WHY DO THE PEOPLE WE TRUST DISAPPOINT US IN THE HARDEST WAYS!

It's because it helps us to see God more, right? That's the stock Christian answer. But dang. It's a lot easier said than done when you're in the heat of the battle. Have I given up? Definitely not. I haven't even begun to fight.

Sorry everyone for the unique tone of this post. It's what I'm feeling in my heart right now that NEEDS to be let out.

Last night, I cried in my room for 30 freakin minutes. Ashamed of myself. Ashamed of someone close to me. Ashamed of my situation. Ashamed of my weakness and my stupidity.

I need to make my body my slave. I need to get this thing under control. For God. For myself. For my family. For my friends. I'm hurting people I love and that is not my intention.

Thoughts are just coming off the top of my head right now. I'm anticipating in the near future some bad things. Bad things are happening, but I don't know if they'll turn out for the best or not. Things I'm used to. The life i knew is about to be turned upside down. It's going to be entirely different. And because of that, I am scared to death

I guess I have to trust in God. Have faith in him. But wow, it's hard. It is so hard.

I need to change. I need to repent... I want to. I have to. It's the right thing to do. How can I continue living in a life of lies and unhappiness? I can't. Not anymore. NOT ANYMORE! Something must be done.

The battle has begun.

Pray for me.
Cy

by the way. I'm a fake.

D8s

Have I mentioned that I'm learning A LOT here? It's crazy. Not only am I learning some interesting stuff in school, but I'm just learning a lot about myself, about people, about this country, about God's nature. Man. It's a crazy journey.

So last night I had a date with this really cool girl from my church named Aby. She's really nice and sweet and just cool to hang around. She's also 18... but she's in her second year of college.

Let me fill you guys in: Here in the Homeland, most kids graduate high school when they are 16. It's not because they all start really young, either. It's because they don't have Jr. High. Which I think is awesome. I hated Junior High. It was pretty much "Drama Fest Spectacular". Let me tell you something. Junior High kids are MEAN. And like an immature mean. They can tear you up and feed you to the dogs. They're bad.

I remember this one time last year when our Student Ministries class went over to the Middle School (Desert Christian has Preschool to 12th grade over three campuses) to just hang out with the kids, play games, beat them at football/basketball... and the like. Prior to this trip, I had already done worship a couple times for the Junior High chapels...

Ok so this particular day, we're hanging out with some of the little brats (i say with all lovingness in my heart) and one kid comes up... a 7th grader I think... and goes, "Oh yeah! I remember you! You sang in chapel a couple weeks ago."... "yeah, that's right" I respond... the kid replies sharply, "Oh man! You suck!".

I wanted to slap the little satan. Just kidding. But seriously, little kids can be cruel.

Ok, back to the date... yeah she's 18. Before our date at 6pm, It starts raining like OH-MY-GOSH-WHAT-THE-HECK-TROPICAL-STORM! No joke. From inside my room, the rain pounding on the roof sounds like we're being attacked by ze germans. When I leave my house at around 5:30pm to catch a jeep to downtown, I open the gate and immediately see that there's this huge flood rolling down the street. It didn't exactly look all that deep, but when I stepped in it, pretty much my whole feet plunged straight into water. Wet socks. Great.

Man, wet socks are the worst. There's only a couple things I hate more than wet socks... one being jr. highers. (kidding.)

Luckily, I have my umbrella. So I save myself from being totally drenched, but with the angle this rain is coming down at, it was darn near impossible to stay dry. I hailed a jeep got in as fast as I could and took my seat... My jeans were soaked. Ugh. Wet socks, wet jeans. This is the ills. (btw, i'm starting to say "the ills" for anything that's not all that cool... downers.)

During the commute to downtown, it was kinda funny to watch people scrambling across the streets using any single item to keep themselves partially dry... purses, books, backpacks, cardboard, plastic bags...

A couple cars got stuck in some heavily flooded areas. Man, it was crazy.

So I finally get to Kaloi's Internet Cafe (or KIC) and wait for everyone else to show up so we can get this double date rolling... Apparently, everyone had trouble getting to downtown because of the rain.

Originally for the date we were supposed to go to this restaurant on this large hill overlooking downtown called "Jack's Ridge", but we decided to forego that because of the rain. Instead we went to Picobello, this awesome itallian restaurant on the 5th floor of the mall right next to KIC. We had some great genuine italian pizza, talked for a little, then roamed the malls. Oh and I treated everyone to dinner. Seriously though, for 200 pesos a pizza (roughly $4 for a large size), how can I not treat everyone? I plan on eating lunch there tomorrow.

So Aby and I had a good time together. At least on my part I think so... Kaloi and Lea walked around the mall finding stuff to buy for their soon to be home (they're getting married February 5th, 2006 and want me to play the sax at their wedding... yikes), so Aby and I had some coffee, talked a little bit about the dramas of life and how God is awesome... then went to the arcade where she kicked my butt at pretty much all of the games... but I think I let her win... or did I. I dunno. She was good.

After that, we walked across the street to McDonalds or McDo (mick-doh) as it's referred to around here, and had some desert. I got an Oreo Mcflurry and she got just a regular sundae. We talked a lot about the language... I pretty much just got tutored in Tagalog... it was awesome. I'm really starting to learn a lot of the language.

Funny story. While we were chatting, there were these two girls outside... maybe 12 or 13 each and they were trying to get someone's attention who was eating inside... So this one girl, kinda chubby, starts dancing around... or more like flailing around in front of this window. I was trying my darned hardest to keep my attention focused on Aby, but I just had to point it out to her and we started laughing so hard. Great times.

So yeah the date was awesome possum... also, Lea and Kaloi really want the two of us to be close friends... I know they do. Jeez, those guys are so obvious...

Anyway, that was last night... Today I didn't really do much except go to church, have some discipling time with the campus guys, and play DotA... a Warcraft III mod... it's interesting I guess... it's like cocaine here for all the teenage guys though. Thousands of Filipino kids are wasting their life away playing DotA. Hey, I can't blame them though... I pretty much waste my life away on World of Warcraft.

So... I pretty much love the campus ministry here. These guys are so cool. They definitely rock my socks.

Here's a little thing I threw together on Photoshop:


Aby is the girl second from the right. Lea is second from the left. Kaloi is in the middle (on the guy's picture. duh)

The rest of em, I'll introduce another time. Anyway, I have some homework to finish up, so I'll let you guys go. For now. Yeah.

W00t!
Cy